As an observer of human behavior — sometimes as a student, sometimes as a teacher — I continue to marvel at how many simple and reliable tools exist for making relationships easier. And yet, even when we know these tools well, we often fail to use them in the moments that matter most. One is a simple mental model called positive intent.
I’ve been working consciously to assume positive intent lately, mostly to ease some of the unnecessary friction of a busy life. It’s remarkably easy to become irritated by other people’s perceived shortcomings or to take personally the minor offenses that seem designed to complicate our day.
The principle of positive intent asks us to pause and consider one simple question before judging, assigning motive, or reacting to another person’s behavior:
What possible positive reason might this person have for saying or doing that?
Oddly enough, the answer itself is not the point. The moment we allow for the possibility of a reasonable explanation, even one we may never fully understand, something shifts. Something significant.
Stephen Covey shared a well-known illustration of this principle in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Riding a crowded subway, Covey became increasingly irritated by a father who appeared unwilling to control his unruly children. Finally fed up, he spoke to the man, only to learn that the family was returning from the hospital where the children’s mother — the man’s wife — had just died. In an instant, Covey’s perspective changed. His irritation disappeared in the presence of the man’s grief.
That is the power of positive intent.
The truth behind it can be difficult for the ego to accept. But once we allow for the possibility that another person’s behavior makes some kind of sense to them, however misguided or imperfect it may appear to us, we regain a measure of freedom. We are free from feeling violated, persecuted, dismissed, or disrespected by every careless comment or frustrating interaction. Our thoughts and emotions become less vulnerable to others’ behavior. And in a world where we are constantly bombarded with input, some welcome, some not, that freedom matters.
We can practice positive intent in everyday encounters with strangers, colleagues, acquaintances, and family members alike. Sometimes the reward is simply a little less stress and a little more peace. But the real opportunity lies in our most difficult relationships.
When we think differently, we behave differently. And when we behave differently, other people often respond in ways that surprise us. Sometimes all that is required is a quiet decision to loosen our grip on being right. That small shift can change far more than we expect.
