Welcome to part three and final segment of “Three Friends for the Journey,” where I reintroduce three friends: Intentionality, Perspective, and Surrender, whose states of being make them archetypes for the journey of change many are on right now. Each possesses a quality that is essential as we navigate uncertainty and move toward a life that is more in line with what makes us feel purposeful, and dare I say, even joyful. Last month, we met Perspective. Today, I’d like you to meet Surrender.
Surrender is the last friend you want to invite on the journey, and to your surprise, she makes it the trip of a lifetime.
Surrender isn’t giving up, rolling over, checking out, or abandoning your standards. Sometimes we have to hold a line that can’t be crossed. There’s a big difference between a grip that protects something essential and a grip that protects our ego. Those two things can feel identical until you look closely. Knowing when to hold tightly with a closed fist and when to open your hand is a form of Perspective’s work that must happen before Surrender can do anything useful. They’re friends for a reason. They travel together.
Surrender is flexible thinking. One-way thinking feels like conviction. But it’s usually exhaustion wearing conviction’s clothing. Surrender is a response to reality that helps you work with circumstances instead of resisting them – wisdom our friend Perspective offers. What do we really control? Only our actions, our behaviors, and our mindset.
If you are reading this while focused on an intentional path of action, don’t fret. Surrender doesn’t mean changing the course. It means remaining open to the fact that the course may change. I’ve worked with many leaders dealing with the impact of mergers and acquisitions. There are always duplicative roles in these situations, and time is often given to the organization, and sometimes to the individual, to determine who stays and who goes. Surrender is the mindset of knowing you can’t control the outcome, even though you can influence it. Intentionality allows you to pursue the thing that you want or think you want. Perspective reminds you that someone else might get the job you are overwhelmingly qualified for. Surrender lets you stay open to the next thing, which is sometimes better. I’ve seen so many situations where leaders see a “no” as a closed door, only to be presented with something better they couldn’t have imagined months before. In contrast, refusing to surrender can create character judgments in the eyes of the very people who influence what’s possible next.
The opposite of surrender is the draining effort to force an outcome, rigidly hold onto our story, or will something into being. We can surrender control while still being intentional, engaged, and committed. This paradox is hard to wrap our heads around, maybe because it reveals core belief systems about fear.
Control fools us into the belief that: “I’ll only be okay if it goes the way I want and need it to.”
Our friend Surrender reminds us: “I’ll be okay, even if it doesn’t.”
My client said this best in a recent email to me:
While this chapter may not have ended exactly as I envisioned, I share your belief that there is still meaningful work ahead. I am approaching this next season with a sense of gratitude, optimism, and curiosity about where God may lead next. If there is one lesson I have learned from you, it is that leadership and service are not confined to titles or organizations; they simply find new ways to express and impact others.
Surrender can seem at odds with how organizations set up the dynamic between effort and results. Performance is ultimately measured by results, often in the short term, and we carry that thinking into aspects of our lives that don’t operate like quarterly business plans. The Bhagavad Gita says: “Your job is the effort, not the outcome.” Personally, when I adopt that mindset, it doesn’t mean I do nothing. It means I act with peace and even joy, without anxiety about success or failure. When I grip an outcome tightly, I can’t see what’s actually in front of me.
When someone I’m coaching is stuck in one-way thinking, I ask: What are you afraid will happen if you let go of what you think you want?
The answer is almost always an honest revelation about their fears. Fear of looking indecisive or of losing control. Fear that if they stop pushing, nothing will happen. A vague fear of the future. Naming the fear can loosen the grip. Surrender starts the moment fear has a name.
Three Friends for the Journey. Intentionality gets you moving. Perspective helps you see the terrain. Surrender is a mindset that lets you release a tight grip on something you might not have wanted after all.
